At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
