Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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