so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
