I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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