how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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