Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
