I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
is that a dick in a sweater?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
