grandma shit on top of the toilet
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She needs sedatives and a leash
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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