smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize