ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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