i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
