At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
