I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
