Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
