When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
