I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
