Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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