Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
