I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He? As in you personified your dick?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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