Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
