Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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