So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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