turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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