If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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