woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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