I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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