meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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