Define "chronic" masturbator.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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