I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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