Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
