I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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