??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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