come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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