If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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