I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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