I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
