I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
