yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
