Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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