I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
