the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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