can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
