His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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