So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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