It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't deserve a penis
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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