Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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