lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize