I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize