my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
