just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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