Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
