Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize