I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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