Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
