I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
