im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
